Video Vices

The Meg Review

meg1

Tag Line: The most feared predator in history…is no longer history.
Release Date: 2018.
Director: Jon Turteltaub.
Producers: Belle Avery, Lorenzo di and Colin Wilson.
Screenplay: Dean Georgaris, Jon Hoeber and Erich Hoeber.
Cast:
Jason Statham, Bingbing Li, Rainn Wilson and Cliff Curtis.
Running Time:
1 hour and 52 minutes.

These are some lazy filmmakers. How lazy are they? They feel the need to reduce a four syllable name into a cutesy monosyllabic grunt not just for the movie poster but throughout the entire movie.

Oh, no. The slothfulness doesn’t end there. The Meg rips off every single cliché from every single underwater horror movie you have ever seen.

Victim thinks they are safe but is jump scare eaten.

Check.

A hunter/mercenary/action man is hired to pursue the creature.

Check.

In an act of universal karma the villain is gobbled by the creature.

Check.

A marine biologist/scientist issues warning after warning but nobody listens.

Check.

And the list goes on…

The Meg has no shame at all. It even lifts an entire scene from Jaws where a hefty boy runs out into the water and his mom loses sight of him and panics.

In the film, Jason Statham stars as a disillusioned rescue diver who’s convinced to come out of self-imposed retirement for that ONE LAST MISSION. A research submersible has been rammed by a Megalodon (an ancient, gigantic shark which should be extinct) and the crew needs to be rescued before they are eaten or the life support system fails, whichever comes first.

Until then, we have to endure a collection of characters that could have been portrayed by department store mannequins because they have no depth at all. There is the brainy science man. The arrogant rich man. The brave mom/scientist/action hero woman. The quirky nerd man. The fish-out-of-water man. They are all such caricatures that a day later, the only names I could remember is Statham – ‘Jonas’ because that sounds like ‘Jonah’ – and Toshi because he was played by Masi Oka, Hiro in the ‘Heroes’ television series. In a horror movie we don’t necessarily need character development on the level of Forrest Gump but any, any at all, would show the filmmakers actually put some thought and care into their work.

meg3

Although the underwater photography is technically beautiful, the marine life and their surroundings are striking, I just don’t care. If I wanted to that kind of experience I would have bought a ticket to the aquarium. I want to see a gargantuan shark eating boats, people, helicopters and other sea-life. I want to see the underwater equivalent of the Jurassic Park Tyrannosaurus Rex devour everything and everyone until it pukes.

Dismally, it takes over an hour, half of the movie’s runtime, to get to any of the good stuff which includes, and I kid you not, Jason Statham going mano a mano with the Megalodon in a scene that has to be seen to be believed. It appears the filmmakers either ran out of film or out of inspiration because that big face-off between man and monster ends so rapidly that if you blink you will miss it.

The Meg is every shark movie you’ve ever seen chucked into a cinematic blender, ground up into indigestible chum. Throw it overboard where it belongs.

Gravestones

grave_smallgrave_smallgrave_smallgrave_smallgrave_smallgrave_smallgrave_smallgrave_smallgrave_smallgrave_small

Megalodon gobbles five people and a handful of swimmers.

Naughty Bits

Memorable Dialogue

Jonas Taylor: Chew on this you ugly bastard!

Jonas Taylor: I’m going to make this thing bleed.

Jack Morris: Why don’t you just put a tracker on it? Don’t you guys ever watch Shark Week?

Jonas Taylor: It is not the people you lose. It is the people you save.

Pints of Blood

bloodnewbloodnew

Rating

machetenewmachetenew

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: