Tag-Line: Fun getting in. Hell getting out.
Release Date: 2018.
Director: Gregory Plotkin.
Producers: Phillip Kobylanski, Greg Renker.
Written By: Seth M. Sherwood, Blair Butler, William Penick, Christopher Sey and Akela Cooper.
Cast: Reign Edwards, Amy Forsyth, Christian James, Courtney Dietz, Matt Mercurio and Bex Taylor-Klaus.
Running Time: 1 hour and 29 minutes.
Hell Fest? How about Feces Fest?
The most mind-bending thing about the sewer sludge that is Hell Fest is it took five people – Count them, FIVE people! – to write a movie that for all intents and purposes has no plot whatsoever.
Hell Fest has no actual story. It is just a bunch of scenes or better yet situations the writers thought were cool and strung them together as loosely as possible. And those situations are ones you have seen before in many television shows, Scooby Doo cartoons and other amusement park centric horror movies like The Funhouse, Kiss Meets the Phantom, Closed for the Season, etc.
Six cardboard cut-outs imitating teenagers are stalked by a serial killer in a horror-themed amusement park. The psycho in question is just as vacant as his prey is. He is the ever-popular just-some-dude-wearing-a-mask-and-a-hoodie.
That’s about original as Wayne Newton’s face, folks. No offence, Wayne you still rock.
It takes our cast of clowns about 10 minutes to get to the amusement park and for the rest of the 110 minutes they blunder around the park from ride to ride, from maze to maze, from set to set, as The Hoodie Hunter blends in with the park’s actors and shadows them. After about 20 minutes of these repeated shenanigans I was fully prepared to walk away from these reprocessed scenes with no regrets whatsoever since last year’s Talon Falls was essentially the same film and I have kinda had my fill of Murder Kingdom, Slasher Studios, Giallo Gardens movies.
Of all the walking body bags Bex Taylor-Klaus as Taylor is the worst. Not only did the filmmakers not care enough to come up with a unique name for her, her character is excruciatingly irritating. Acting like an attention-seeking seven-year-old, Taylor spews dim-witted one-liners and reacts in dopey wonder at everything in Hell Fest. Five minutes with this character will have you begging for an impromptu Taylor Chainsaw Massacre.
Oh, and don’t be fooled by the promotion, marketing of this calamitous crapfest. Horror icon Tony Todd (Candyman, Wishmaster, Final Destination) is given top billing but appears in the film for approximately three whole minutes as the most minor of minor characters.
Ba-Deep, Ba-Deep, that’s all folks!
Although Hell Fest comes out on October 28th, instead of spending your hard-earned money on this poor man’s rendition of an eighties slasher movie, buy a ticket to a local haunted house or amusement park instead. You will be sure to get more scares for your scratch.
Gravestones
Knife to the gut.
Two killed off-camera.
Stabbed in the chest.
Head smashed open with an amusement park high striker mallet.
Needle through the eye, brain.
Two stabbed to death.
Naughty Bits
None.
Memorable Dialogue
Natalie: That same guy has been following us the entire night!
Taylor: I smell like a homeless asshole!
Natalie: Are you sexually harassing a zombie right now?
Pints of Blood
Rating
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