Video Vices

Jaws 3-D Review

Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda. It could have been the horror franchise that had a historic run or have been remade into bland, boring remakes by now like its contemporaries in the genre but the Jaw franchise just didn’t have Steven Spielberg’s imagination or creativity to successfully follow his original blockbuster film. Like a sinking ship taking on water the series submerged further and further with each sequel. Here is our Jaws franchise review.

The Jaws franchise is available on Prime Video and HBO Max.

Jaws 3-D

Tag Line:The Third Dimension is Terror
Release Date:1983.
Director:Joe Alves.
Producers:Rupert Hitzig.
Screenplay By:Richard Matheson and Carl Gottlieb.
Cast:Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Simon MacCorkindale, Louis Gossett Jr., John Putch and Lea Thompson.
Running Time:1 hour and 39 minutes.

Originally released in theatres when the 3-D gimmick made a brief comeback in the eighties, Jaws 3-D is like a relaxing afternoon drifting down a lazy river ride in instead of the terrifying roller coaster ride it should be. There are very few shark attacks, very few deaths. What we get instead is all the giggling, smooching and annoying goofy nonsense that goes along with the Brody brothers romancing their gals. Yech!

A feature film length infomercial for SeaWorld, Jaws 3-D reunites Micheal and Sean Brody, this time played by Dennis Quaid and John Putch. Michael and his girlfriend Kathryn Morgan (Bess Armstrong) are furiously working on getting SeaWorld ready for opening day. The park is owned by Calvin Bouchard, Louis Gossett, Jr. with such a pronounced Cajun or French accent that if you gave him a deck of playing cards, a trench coat and a bo staff, he would fit in perfectly at Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters.

We have to endure gratuitous water-skiing, couples play-fighting, casual drunk driving and mind-numbing marine life footage before a shark slips into SeaWorld and rips the arm off an employee injecting some life into this SeaWorld promo.

Even Shamu gets some in Jaws 3-D. Bess Armstrong in Jaws 3-D (1983). Courtesy: Universal Pictures.

Bouchard ain’t no Amity Major Larry Vaughn. He is quick to act shutting down the park as the shark wreaks havoc like a drunk Tasmanian Devil taking bites out of employees, ruining the water-skiing show, brawling with dolphins and shattering underwater tunnels to usher in an action-packed albeit dopey finale which is clearly where most of the film’s meagre $18 million budget went to.

Jaws 3-D was a stepping stone for Lea Thompson and Dennis Quaid. It was Thompson’s second movie before she went on to become a massive star in the eighties in Red Dawn, Back to the Future, Some Kind of Wonderful, Howard the Duck and All the Right Moves. Dennis Quaid would also become a familiar face in the eighties starring in The Right Stuff, Dreamscape, Enemy Mine, D.O.A. and as rock ‘n roll great Jerry Lee Lewis in Great Balls of Fire.

It was one of the only stinkers in Richard Matheson’s resume, the legendary and influential horror and sci-fi writer known for his work on TV’s Twilight Zone, Night Gallery, Star Trek and such films as The Omega Man and The Legend of Hell House, which were based on his books.

Without the 3-D effects it might have been as boring as a National Geographic special on the mating habits of the dwarf seahorse but it went on to make $88 million spawning one of the worst movies and sequels ever four years later.

Top Photo: Dennis Quaid and Bess Armstrong in Jaws 3-D (1983). Courtesy: Universal Pictures.

Gravestonesbodybagssm Arm bitten off and eaten.
bodybagssm Devoured whole.
bodybagssm Eaten alive.
bodybagssm Another human gets chomped.
bodybagssm Feeding time!
Naughty Bitsplucked_penguinNone.
Memorable DialoguedialoguesmMike Brody: White sharks are dangerous. I know ’em. My father, my brother, myself. They’re murderers.
dialoguesmCalvin Bouchard: No grenades.
dialoguesmKathryn Morgan: Overman was killed inside the park, the baby was caught inside the park, the mother is inside the park.
Pints of Blood  / 5bloodsm
Rating / 5shotsmall

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